Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in atomic_ski_bum's LiveJournal:

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Tuesday, April 1st, 2008
3:25 am	ALASKA! ALASKA! The name itself conjures up images of wilderness and snow but the reality is so much more awe inspiring. Riding from Anchorage to Girdwood, the small town outside of Alyeska Ski area beyond the Chugach powder fields my first thoughts reflect on how I didn’t know that such places existed on earth. It is difficult to describe a place that has such a feel of normalacy on one hand and complete isolation on the other hand. Anchorage, the largest city in Alaska, really is on the absolute edge of the world. Mt McKinley, the highest peak in the United States, looks like it is just a long day’s walk from downtown Anchorage. It is 150 miles away. Beyond its population of 300,000 (which is greater than half of the population of the entire state) lie mountain ranges that continue for thousands of miles filled with glacial ice that flows into the sea and inlet, some of it on the road between Anchorage and Girdwood, called Seward Highway. On one side of the road, an 18 inch tall steel rail serves as the reminder it isn’t a good idea to veer off because the inlet lies immediately below, filled with floating glacial ice. On the other immediate side are mountains sidled so close to the road that for most of the 37 miles I drove it, the road was a groove cut into the side of the mountain slope. Honest to goodness, I am not making this up, there were mountain goats standing on cliffs overlooking the road. If ever in my life I am driving in fearful conditions, be they snow, ice, wind or rain, I will think to myself, “I drove Seward Highway at night between Anchorage and Girdwood” and I will be at peace. Never in my life have I known such terrifying driving. Truly harrowing are the only words to describe driving this icy, twisting, sea and mountain bordered road at night in intense wind while piloting your average Alaskan vehicle (Which is a 20 year old extended cab full size pickup with a cracked windshield, no windscreen wipers, one headlamp, manual transmission with a shot clutch, and a door that can only be opened by rolling down that drivers side window to pull the exterior handle from the outside). ALASKA! (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, March 10th, 2008
1:50 pm	Proposal for Traffic Congestion Relief As an increasing number of Americans are taking to the roads, development of our road infrastructure cannot keep pace with the increase in numbers of vehicles. The current antiquated speed limits imposed on vehicles have not kept pace with the advancements in automotive technology and are largely responsible for the congestion plaguing much of America. Proposed herein is a selective recalibration for the accepted speed restrictions defined by vehicle class. Outlined is a three tiered vehicle classification system which all vehicles will be classified according to. All vehicles will be plated according to their class, with identical color coded license plates displayed prominently on front and rear bumpers. All increases in speed over posted speed limits may only be observed on dry asphalt conditions. No increases in speed over posted slow construction zones may be observed. Criteria for performance for Class II and Class III vehicles will be determined by testing a stock vehicle with all available non-performance options through slalom, braking and 0-100 mph acceleration test. 1. Class I: Regular Manufacturer a. Vehicle Criteria - All currently mass produced vehicles not adapted from the factory for “sporty” handling and performance fit in this class. No “modified Regular Manufacturer” class exists. Vehicle modifications cannot upgrade the class of a vehicle. Regardless of handling and performance upgrades, a vehicle that ships from the factory as Class I: Regular Manufacturer cannot be upgraded to a higher class. b. Speed adjustment. – No adjustment. 2. Class II: Gran Touring a. Vehicle Criteria – Vehicles designed from the factory for “sporty” handling and performance. This class includes so called GT cars, or vehicles designed for enhanced speed, handling and braking may be classified as Class II. Vehicles of this type include Chrysler Crossfire, Nissan 350Z, Ford Mustang, BMW M3 and Audi TT. No Pickup Truck, Sport Utility Vehicle, or Crossover Vehicle may be qualified as Class II: Gran Touring. b. Speed Adjustment i. In City Limit: 5 mph over posted (i.e. 25mph => 30mph) ii. Out of City Limit: 10 mph over posted (i.e. 55mph =>65mph) iii. Highway: 10 mph over posted (i.e. 70 mph => 80 mph) 3. Class III: Sport Touring a. Vehicle Criteria – Vehicles designed from the factory for the absolute highest performance possible given current technology. No vehicle over 10 years of age may be qualified as Class III: Sport Touring. Vehicles of this type include Lamborghini Gallardo, Chevrolet Corvette, Porsche 911, and Ferrari 599. No Pickup Truck, Sport Utility Vehicle, or Crossover Vehicle may be qualified as Class III: Sport Touring. b. Speed Adjustment i. In City Limit: 10 mph over posted (i.e. 25mph => 35mph) ii. Out of City Limit: 20 mph over posted (i.e. 55mph =>75mph) iii. Highway: Unrestricted (6 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, August 27th, 2007
7:40 pm	Live from Deeeetroit! Well Its been a while since I've written. Things in Detroit are going well. I started my third week of classes here at University of Detroit Mercy school of Dentistry. The more that I am here the more I know this is the place for me. I have met so many interesting people here. I just noticed I have someone else's blood on my fingers so I will continue writing after a brief intermission. Okay. So anyways, I have sure met some interesting people here at Dental School. One fellow who I had initially regarded as a bit of a pretty boy because of his long flowing hair, immaculate dress and chiseled jaw is actually a pretty serious Christian and a neat guy to get to know. It isn't as if I had initially discounted him, just that the stereotype didn't hold. This is actually his second, first-year of Dental school. He is from detroit and got into UDM last year along with a dental school in Florida and went there for a few weeks before he dropped out. It seems that his mom went through some traumatic times and he wanted to be with her. So he quit school, with no guarantee that he would be readmitted and moved home to be with her and reapplied to dental schools again this year, this time chosing the closer option. I am loving my classes, especially Anatomy and Physiology courses, Dental Anatomy courses, and Intro to clinical dentistry where we develop the physical proficiency with dental equipment such as high speed handpieces and burrs (commonly known as the drill and bits). I felt so out of place here when I got here, but now it is home already. I love Detroit. I love UDMSOD. I love studying Dentistry. I HATE being far from Kate. It is evident to me that life comes at one quickly sometimes and and now is one of those times. Oh yeah, about the blood, I am at a coffee shop right now working on online class requirements and such and outside two elderly women were sitting at a table. One got up with the aid of her walker and it slipped and she fell off over the curb into the parking lot and couldn't get back up. A man sitting outside immediately came to her aid but he wasn't able to help her. Another rushed out the door but two men isn't enough so I started to get up for a second and looked around and sat back down for a second. I am far from the door and surely one of the other ten or fifteen young men much closer than I would help her. I looked around me and no one stood up. It was genuine, honest to goodness Diffusion of Responsibility in action, just like in Kitty Gennevese' case. I realized, though, that I was doing it too, and quickly rushed out. They weren't able to lift her until a third person got there and the three of us got her to her feet and assisted her back into her walker. She had skinned her elbow, hence the blood, but she was a tough old broad and was very embarrassed but not seriously injured. We made sure she hadn't hit her head, and the younger women she was with came back from shopping next door and helped her into the car under our watchful eyes. I came back inside and sat down thinking, "I was almost the guy who didn't stand up." There are a lot of other interesting and quandaric things going on also, but at length, describing them would take too much time. I'll get back to studying for now. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, June 18th, 2007
7:35 pm	Ich hab' in Deutschland gekommen und alles ist gut. I have been in Germanyu for about 10 days nbow and things have gone very well. I ma typing very rapid fire so to speak because time is pressed for the Muenchner Bladenight but I want to shoot some thoughts out before I go. I am super excited to be here. I have done so much that it is difficult to desribe and so much more remains to be done. Tomorrow I am going on a three day camping trip with my father where we take a train a few hundred kilometers away with our bicycles and ride back, spending a few nights in farmers fields and roadside and such. We have been in the alps a few times and we are going to the north to the international trade city of Bremen and Bremerhaven. My language skills have improved immensly since my arrival and I even find myself thinking in german as I am immersed in a language and am no longer dependant on others' ability to speak english. I wish I had more oppurtunity at home to practice, by which I mean I were less lazy about it because there are plenty of oppurtunities. I am very excited to see KAte again. I have missed her in such immense ways these past days but I am not unhealthlily longing for her. Time apart is hard but it has also made things much clearer to me and I know how much I care for her. I cant wait to hold her close and have her head on my shoulder and look down at her and have her look up at me and smile, for some reason that angle is my favorite. I wont go into mushiness, but suffice it to say, I love her dearly and the beauty and culture I see here reminds me of her often. I had some amazing conversations with some of my father's friends and my sister and I have even gotten to like *GASP* our father's girlfriend, abrasive though she may be. Such is life. Speaking of my sister, she is taking time to secretly visit East Germany for four days by herself. She hasnt told our mom, and I have made it clera to Ulli I wont sayanything misleading if mom calls, but on the other hand, ulli is very headstrong and has decided to go on her own come hell or high water and Mom would rather know about things after they are done with so she cant worry. That is a principle, shameful as it may be, that works. It is hard to see her go and I worry about her, but in the same way I worry about her in E. Lansing. I know she is an adult, and she can take care of herself, but I still wish I could be nearby her always so if some creep tries funny business I can break his front teeth in. I look forward to seeing her soon again in Bremen. Driving is an absolute pleasure in germany as I have had the opppurtunity to do. It was a 3 cylinder 45 HP 12 year old Peugeot 106 and the driving experience was excellent. The autobahn is to slow to drive fast and only the boergois drive the fast mnercedes and BMWs here so why not the car of the proletariot to really experience the culture of a nation that has a hate/love relationship witht eh automobile. I also had some excellent/interesting conversation with my father about religion adn my beliefs and his beliefs past on to him by his sarcastic teachers during religion classes in gymnasium (high school, sort of). I also bought a german bible today and enjoyed reading it (with difficulty). I lok forwrad to that. I love you Kate and every night I fall asleep knowing that the following morning the rising sun brings me closer to you. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, October 20th, 2006
8:32 pm	In Big Rapids tonight is the annual haunted Jail. I passed signs directing funseekers in search of a quick to its strobe-lit structure. As I drove past, I had a compulsion to stop and go through it that was difficult to deny. It quickly drifted out of sight in the rear view mirror and I attempted to uncover why I wanted to entre such a hoakey locale. I know a few years previous I wouls have loved to take my brother, eight years my younger, to it and we would have made a night out of it, just us two guys. I wish he were here so I could do that again. No. He is a high school freshman now. He probably wouldnt even enjoy doing it. Linear separations notwishtstanding, if I took him now, he may walk through, hands in pockets, casually observing the police officers and CJ students dressed as corpses and ghouls and mummies with a too-cool air of imagined sophistication. Worse yet, he may humor me with imagined interest. The truth is, he isnt the brother I knew when he left. He was a child then, and we would have loved it. Now though, he is growing. Grown. And I am missing it. Missed it. I think the greatest regrets that one can burden oneself with are those things regretted that if allowed, one still would not change had one the oppurtunity. My regret is beyond my control, outside my sphere of influence, because I regret the passing of time, the clicking of the hands of a watch, the shadowing twisting across the ground as the sun flanks the earth, and rotation of the earth around the sun. (Comment on this)
Friday, August 25th, 2006
12:00 am	I reported my outrage at the devious theft of computer components by a freelance computer tech a few days ago and I am intending to give a bit of an update. At the time I discovered the skullduggerous exploits of the wannabe computer repairman, I informed the customer of the missing electronic loot and she informed me she would give the fellow a call. I didn't follow up to find out how it went but I imagine it proceeded not at all well because the next day a Police Officer came in to get a statement about the cost of the parts (~$200 to $250) and to ask how likely it is the customer could have removed them herself. I informed the officer that it was unlikely that she could have because the laptop had been previously taken apart and reassembled in a method extremely consistent with someone knowledgable in the interior working of laptop computers. He thanked me for my time and left, no doubt preparing the judiciary commupance awaiting the Charter technician. And I know his name now, one I wont soon forget. It is good to see something happen in the right direction. Progress proceeds on my application stuff, I am also putting together a schedule since mine was very tentative. I will have no friday classes except for calculus from 8 to 9 am which is an ideal arrangement for me. I will have my friday free for my own devices AND I have a class to force me to awake early enough to make use of it. Only two more days until Saturday. I cant wait to see Kate. I cant write about or describe it, I just miss her. I am getting a lot done though. She should be getting home from work soon too, so I look forward to hearing from her. I am not the slightest bit nervous or apprehensive for the coming semester. I look forward to it a bit, and work as well. I hope I can continue to juggle all three jobs, I dont really want to give either of them up. Also I had an interesting conversation today that I had resolved to not have with someone and it actually went differently than I thought. This person that I had resolved to not deal with anymore seems to be doing pretty ok. I was happy to hear that. Else all is well and hardly worth note. Current Music: River man - Nick Drake (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, August 22nd, 2006
1:30 pm	Today a college aged female brought in a Dell Laptop that had been struck by lightning to have us diagnose it for insurance purposes. Since I am the laptop guy and I have a bit of an electronics background, these jobs always fall to me. I took it apart and sure enough, it was clear as day when I tore it down that it had been struck,, BUT the processor, RAM and Hard drive were all missing. The combined new value of all of those parts exceeds $200. I told my boss and he called the customer adn the truth emerged. She had brought it to a friend of hers who works at charter communications and he diagnosed it as bad and told her to take it to a shop to get an official diagnosis for insurance since he was just a private repair guy doing the work after hours. Well he ALSO must have liberated every expensive component from her computer that cant be seen from the outside. My blood is boiling with anger and I am trembling with unquenchabble fury. I look at every customer that comes through the door as someone who is turning to us for help and I see at as my job to help and protect them from unecessary pain and financial frustration by getting their computers going as quickly and as cheaply as possible. This girl turned to her "friend" for help and he robbed her blind behind her back and then had the nerve to tell her "no charge" as if he were doing her a favor. Talk about a wolf in sheep's clothing. There crooks in every business, but truly it is the most lowly type of sub-human garbage that will steal from someone who comes to them for help. May he receive his reward in FULL. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, August 21st, 2006
10:50 pm	Well not much is happening here, I am just reflkecting on a summer past. Please excuse gramatical and keystroke errors, I just dont feel like fixing them. I am slowly putting together a schedule rather late and it is a depressing bit of work. There are very few classes I can take at this point in my education, so I am considering taking even calculus just so that my scedule doesnt look easy on paper to an application comittee. Alsow work on the applicaiton has stalled a bit, but im not sure why reallyu, I just sort of find many other things to work on, I think tomorrow evening is going to have to be an insane work-on-app night. I had the best summer I have ever had this previous summer and i am sad to see it go. The best part of the summer is being carried forward into the semester however, and I get to see her every weekend. We went to mackinac island last saturday and had what I think was a reasonably incredible time. I had resolved that saturday was going to be the mackinac island trip day, come hell or high water, and the I wasnt dissapointed, we were drenched to our very cores by rain so thick the air had a viscosity rating. We dried off slowly and buying rain ponchos 2 dollars apiece caused the clouds to part and our water logged clothing to begin drying, so I suppose it was a well spent 2 dollars if it drove the rain away. We saw the fort and went on a walk to the arch rock and sat on the highest point of the island looking out over lake huron. It really was an amazing evening. I am in love with this state and it is so amazing and unexpected to me to be with someone who shares that love. THere are so many beautiful places that I had always dreamed of being at with Kate because I knew she would appreciate it, even before we were together, even while I was dating Ruth, and even before then. How strange. I am glad in a way that we didnt even get to go to most of them this summer, it leavces some for next summer, which I have little doubt will find us together again. What a contrast, this summer, finding myself growing in my relationship with God, with hope for my future academically, professionally, and personally, and with someone who really understands what love is, in asmuch as humans can, while last year this time I was truly in the darkest part of my life up to this point. Imagine yourself broken down carrying all of your failure and hatred and self loathing around your neck draggin it like a cinder block on a length of frayed polyester rope around your neck, and seeing no hope for anything good or fulfilling, with only my thoughts of failure and pain to fall asleep to, and as distant from God as the ancient israelites under exile. This year I feel myself truly alive and everything has beauty an meaning. Im sipping coffee and sitting in area 51 internet gaming center because it is the only place in town with public wireless while I write this and although I am pretty nervous for the future, I am very hopeful and motivated at the same time. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, June 20th, 2006
10:27 am	Well I haven't written in quite a while, I guess this may end up being a bit of a massive update. I went to visit my sister in East Lansing and met her boyfriend. He seems nice but he was hosting a barbecue so I didn't really get to talk to him much. Therefore I can't really say much about him except that I don't have a bad impression. He reminds me quite a bit of Kate's ex b/f Brandon though. Not in a bad way, he seems nice enough, just his mannerisms. What means more to me than anything I learned by shaking his hand was that my sister thinks a lot of him. I look forward to getting the chance to actually sitting down and talking with him. We also had a really good time shooting. I am really looking forwrad to going again and trying a borrowed .380 because that will be more manageable for my sister, I will admit I pretty much have her starting on a gun that is about as big as they get, both in the wieght of the firearm and the power of the cartridge so a more reasonable one will give her better results. She is really consistent though which is good, she will make a very accurate shot. I am also looking forward to trying this particular .380 out (a walther PPK) because it is a gun that I have been considering purchasing for concealed carry. Kate and I have spent a lot of time together, but a bit less in the past week than when we we first began to get close again. We went to Ludington and spent most of the day there a few weeks ago. It was really amazing finding a small spot of beach that felt really secluded and deserted. It felt like we were the only ones on the beach even though we were more of less surrounded by people. When the sunset we walked out on the pier and sat against the lighthouse with a blanket over us and watched the sunset over the lake. A few other couples walked past and must have thought it was a good idea and sat down next to us and did the same. It was a pretty fantastic sunset and an amazing day to boot. We tried to catch the sunset at the silver lake dunes yesterday but we cut it so close that when we ended up 5 mil;es below the silver lake state park lakeshore where I wanted us to be it was too late anyways to actually catch it setting. It was still beautiful and a truck full of people were QUITE amused with our portopotty-related antics. Driving with Kate is always the best part. In my mind, the few times in the past that we were able to take long drives together going nowhere in particular have an almost magical quality about them. Kate knows what I mean when I say that in my memory, we are always glowing as we sit in my car driving along dark country roads with the windows down and music playing softly, barely audible over the sound of wind rushing into the car's cabin. I am curently working on my appplication again. I had procrastinated it a bit and when I finally really started working on it again I was panicing a bit because I realized fully how much really remains to be done. Sure there is a lot, but it isn't too much if I keep a constant effort going. I still need to ask Dr. Ryan for a letter of reccomendation, as well as asking Dr. Scott and Dr. Scharp for permission to use theirs again. I also need to call and ask U of M admissions officers if it makes sense to retake the DAT. I also seriously need to get on with the process of applying to the Navy Dental Corps. I have made the decision to pursue that and now I really need to follow through on it. I have heard that successful people make lists so I should buy a planner today and bring that with me with lists of what I need to do. It occured to me yesterday at work while I was vacuuming that trojan condoms have a very interesting name. The trojan horse was a vessel that contained sea-men that wanted to attack the city of troy once it was accepted through the gates. You draw your own conclusions... Well suddenly at work we are getting absolutely swamped but I still have a bunch left to write so I suppose I will have to do that later then. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, May 30th, 2006
1:33 pm	An abridged update It has been a while since I have written. My father (my parents divorced when I was 2 and my father lives in Muenchen, Duetschland) has visited and left two weeks ago and we had a great time together. It is hard to sum up a week in a few lines, but the way that we relate best is by doing things together. In the week he was here we spent two days hiking in the woods and dunes of the sleeping bear national lakeshore. The views were spectacular and we had a lot of time to talk to each other. We also rented a canoe and went down the pere marquette river on our last day together and that was a blast. It really surprised my father the differences in going canoeing here compared with going in germany. The recreational rivers there are very well groomed and there are no large rocks or trunks or shallow bits. I remembered from a trip I spent canoeing and kayaking down a river in the North of Germany three years ago that it was a very civilized sort of experience. Here the river we were on had large rocks that could capsize the canoe if you hit them and fallen trees blocking more than half the width of the river were simply left there. The obstacles and shallows that could ground the canoe were everywhere and had to be avoided. The cold harsh rain that fell on us added to the impression that this is still a land relatively untamed by european standards. We also found a sort of listing of ghost towns in the nation and found one about half an hour outside of RC and explored it extensively. The site consisted of a a former factory complex that literally covered tens of acres. Walls thirty feet tall overgrown with vines and moss remained with concrete celings partially collapsed and tunnels running under the facility with giant archways punctuated by bits of land entirely reclaimed by the forest. It is strange to stand on the edge of a 30 foot tall concrete wall with trees growing in the middle that have climbed nearly that high on the former factory floor. The site has been abandoned for over 70 years and the forest has reclaimed most of it leaving only hints in some places of what lies beneath the surface. It was INTENSELY surreal. Michigan is my favorite place in the world. Although I sort of find a spiritual home in Germany, I am in love with this state here that I live in. The rolling green hills and the massive lakes that are so untamed and furious and beautiful. Michigan is such a subtle state, but underneath the surface is a lot of conflict and turmoil. These beautiful lakes determine our weather and can really send some crazy stuff our way. The contours of the land, the rolling hill, the lakes and streams and ponds (There is no place in the state of michigan where you are more than 13 miles from a body of water) were all carved by the slowly rolling glaciers, as if at this spot God grabbed the earth and tore a handfull from it to form this bizarre geography and its freshwater seas. My favorite place has got to be the sleeping bear dunes. I went there last spring break and hiked in the melting snow with a friend back from the navy and went there with my father again early this summer and also again with someone very special to me a few days ago. I can't describe the beauty of that place or that evening spent there. I almost feel like if you revere this land, if you truly appreciate its quirks and absolutely love it, it will love you back and show you its beauty and unravel its mysteries to you. If you setup a camera on a tripod overlooking the lake and the shore and land and take a photograph every fifteen minutes the very nature and mood and character of each photograph will be entirely different from shot to shot. This a land in silent conflict with itself, as if the tall rolling hills fight against the forces of the water that surround it and shape it. I dont want to make it sound like I worship this state like some wierd eco-religion but this place has a certain draw to me that is indescribable. It is my home. I started a second job at an electronics repair shop fixing mostly television sets and that is going well. It is very mentally taxing because I need to learn SO much to expand what I know about electronics but things are going really well so far. I have already fixed a TV and a Dell Jukebox (a Harddrive based music player, like an ipod) so it is encouraging. Still working at the computer repair shop and that is going well but slow as it usually is during the summers. It should pick up later this week though since we have thunder and rain shower forecasted so we will do a lot of burned modem and fried powersupply replacement. I am trying to figure out what to do this weekend. I would like to spend friday night hiking in the dunes and maybe spend the night there and possibly head to ludington on saturday. That is still just an idea though, no hard and fast plans. Since I missed church on sunday due to a navigational error (at least now Ill never forget that 96 goes somewhere else entirely in GR as 196) I really look forward to going again this sunday. It does make a difference. Ugh I have a lot more to write but someone called and is going to bring in a computer so I need to wrap it up before they get here since there arent any other computers here to work on. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, May 10th, 2006
11:24 pm	Yesterday afternoon I was in a bit of an ugly mood. I was not mad or angry or depressed or anything that I could wrap a word around. Later in the afternoon I found myself just sort of tired and cranky. It is the summer syndrome starting. I am pretty sure it is because I dont really have a purpose or a direction when I dont have classes. Then, I realized I do have an ultimate summer purpose, which is getting into Dental School, even if it is not an immediate and tangible one, like a test that requires studying or an assignment that needs completion. Adding to that I decided today that at the end of the summer I am going to retake the DAT (Dental Admission Test) and so I need to study for that too. But anyways, back to yesterday, I finally got a bit of motivation and decided to begin my 2006-2007 dental app but when I got to area51 gaming center (the only place in BR with free wireless at midnight), I found that the appplicaitons arent even available yet. Not for a few weeks. There is still other research about the schools to do though, and studying for the DAT. THAT was a huge decision to make because I got a very competitive score the first time so if I take it again and do worse, that will be shown to the schools I am applying too. Today was a pleasant day. Work dragged because there was nothing to do that was interesting or challenging, just fixing errors and removing viruses (or is it virii ??) but after I got out I did laundry, made some dinner and than played hockey with some friends from FSU. We usually have enough regulars to play 4 on 4 or a 5 on 5 and we have been playing since the snow melted and since we are comfortable with each other we can be a bit mroe aggressive than at the beginning so there were a lot more collisions and falls and wrecks. Nothing mean spirited or intentional, just aggressive. It was a lot of fun and a better workout than just skating or running because I get bored of that sometimes. Overall I am feeling very good today with myself and life in general and I look forward to seeing my father tomorrow. He will be coming up at about 5 o cflock in the afternoon from Lansing where my sister is. I think it may be wierd to see him since I havent seen him in three years but I always think that and it never is. It is funny, for all of his faults, I do love him despite the ever present distance, and I am proud of him and I draw a lot of my identity from things he taught me as a child. He will be staying ABOUT a week and we were going to go camping but extended forecaset for lower peninsula says snow and for the UP rain and flurries are predicted. We will find something to do. (Comment on this)
Monday, May 8th, 2006
10:42 am	There are these trees that the city planted this season down upton and the sidestreets of Big Rapids. They punctuate the main drive in big rapids like a French boulevard and they run up and down the median gardens between the lanes on FSU campus. The trees began to turn white shortly after the warmth returned and everything else was working to became green. The blossoms that grew gave the tree a ghostly stature and in the light when the foliage was at its peak, it shown in the sunset like ivory fire. Overnight, seemingly without warning, all of the trees dropped their plummage and now wear a covering of green. The only echos of the extraordinary beauty these trees displayed are wisps of the blossoms that blow across the asphalt in the noonday illumination in waves, like a sea of conclusion giving way to a green calmness. Isnt that so much like the passing of time? Everyday I take the bueaty and extraordinary nature of every breath for granted and then the next day it might be demanded of me without warning. As I watch the wind remove the remainders of the white blossoms on the trees that I had hoped that have taken photos of 'sometime'. Today is one of those days when I look at the movement of my hands on the keys and I think it looks somehow surreal, as if I amnot really in control of them. Every breath of air is beautiful and the entire world shines. Today is one of those days when it is pleasurable to be alive, to have my heart beating in my chest and to have oxygen exchanged in my lungs for carbon dioxide. Every step is a complex ballet of muscle movements that astounds me in its complexity. What an amazing world we are a part of. Yesterday I saw a few friends quite unexpectedly and one of their facebook's quotes read [paraphrased] that the cause of a man's loss of faith is not scientific endeavor or lack of evidence, but the feeling that a man doesnt need God. This morning I couldnt sleep and drove to a park I used to frequent long ago and walked in the cold darkness across a swaying bridge in the darkness, needing God entirely. I always pray the best alone and in the dark and away from my environment, I think for that reason. When not surrounded by the false securities of my things and the mini-world a person creates for themselves in their home they cannot deny their need. This is just a world full of broken people, but today, watching a separate set of newly planted crimson and burgundy trees sway at the gentle breath of the wind even the sensation of seeing feels overwhelming. (Comment on this)
Friday, May 5th, 2006
5:01 am	www.youtube.com/v/cCkHy290uA0 (Comment on this)
5:01 am	(Comment on this)
Tuesday, May 2nd, 2006
6:02 am	Well I am just getting ready to hit the sack. I had my two hard exams today, by which I mean monday and I was up at 6 am to prepare for those and now I am just going to bed about that time after finishing my paper I will turn in tomorrow, by which I mean later today after I grab some sleep before work. I am not saying this to garnish sympathy because I am in surprisingly great spirits after having driven home from the library while the sun was rising. It also probably comes from the deep, intimate knowledge that the difficult bit of the semester is over. It will not be done in earnest until I take my german exam on thursday but for all practical purposes it is over. Ill just hop in bed before work and in a few hours Ill be right as rain for the day ahead. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, April 30th, 2006
6:22 pm	I am a man who walks solitary paths. If I fall, who will lift me up? If I tire, on whose shoulder will I lean? If I grow weary, who will keep watch while I rest? Fatigue overcomes my strength and I succumb to my infirmaries. My foot prints become long in the sand as my tired legs struggle to lift my feet. The darkness surrounds me and waits for me to fall planting my face in the dirt so that it may overwhelm my reason and feast on my resolve. Continuously I stumble in the twilight but my hands have never fallen to the earth. The defender of the weak is my support. And I walk on. That is how I felt earlier, mostly because I am entirely overwhelmed with finals coming up. I feel like Im on the absolute edge. Now that it is the night before my big ones I am sort of resigning myself to what is going to happen, which will likely not be bad grades, but I just hate this time of the semester. I would rather postpone it and continue the pace of classes as usual then get it over with and continue with the summer. I am not taking classes this summer and that is not going to be especially pleasant, I go crazy over the summer so I am going to have to figure something out for that. Either way, time for mo\re studying. My goal is to be up til 5 and go to bed for four hours and then get up and do the exam thing. I might go later if i can. Ill have to see. Anyways, night. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, April 25th, 2006
8:14 pm	Revelations Sometimes being an adult is the best time to still be a little bit kid. No one can tell me I can't bring an insulated coffee mug full of Reeses Peanut Butter Cup ice cream with me to the library. Also, I think I am beginning to understand what my dreams might mean, and they are pretty much conclusions I have come to alreadybut it's good to begin to see them clearly. (Comment on this)
12:51 am	My shadow dances in the dirt the grimy orange lights mock my silhouette on the asphalt beneath my feet. Cradled between two fingers the cheap cigar snaps and pops in the darkness as I fill my mouth with blackness. The wind whispers into my ear secrets about myself I have tried to forget. One in front of the other lined up like my trail of sins and lost hopes my feet follow each other carrying me towards forgottenness. I taste the grittiness as the smoke swirls into the distance dissappearing into the darkness absorbed by the night and spread out until no trace of it remains except the taste it leaves inside of me. Its not possible to smoke away the demons. They'll dig their claws into my flesh if I let them and tear it from my bones in reams drinking my pain like wine. (Comment on this)
Sunday, April 23rd, 2006
5:19 pm	Another striking dream Well I had another strange dream last night. It was VERY long. I cant even remember most of it except for the end of it which I remember absolutely vividly. Once again I woke up strongly unsettled by my dream. *Through out the dream somehow I am in extremely rocky mountainous terrain that is so treacherous you can only move around by jumping from exposed cliff to exposed cliff, and walking up rusting catwalks screwed into the side of the mountain face. I am with a group of people and we are talking about how this used to be a beautiful city until soemthing terrible happened here. One of the people there with us is an asian woman. A lot of other things happen that I can't remember, but then I am in a wedding. I am the one getting married and it is to the asian woman. She walks out in a kimono and is absolutely amazing looking. The kimono is white with vibrant red blossoms on it that are so read they seem to jump off the garment. Her black hair is in a bun behind her head so her hair is tight around her head. I look at her and I am in love with her and I want to be here, I dont feel like I was trappped here or anything like that. The service is a traditional japanese service (in the dream I remember thinking that, but in reality I have no idea what happens in a traditional japanese wedding) and I realize I have no idea what to do. I havent rehearsed at all and I am expected to be active in the wedding somehow. I dont know what to do and I sit across from my bride. There are two benches facing each other at the pulpit of the church and the bride sits on one side surrounded by members of her family and I sit on the other side surrounded by more members of my family. No one from my family is there but in the dream I dont notice that. The pastor has finished talking and all is silent. I wonder if it is my turn to do something and I sit there for a long time. I look across the aisle and my bride is sitting there and she is starting to cry. I know she is heart broken because I havent done what it is I am suposed to do in the wedding to show that I accept her as a wife and I know that she believes it is because I have decided last minute that I dont want her. I lean over to the man siting next to me, which is her brother, and ask what I am supposed to do. He tells me in a disgusted voice to stand up and take her hand. I dont know what to do after that and I know it cant be that simple, but I can tell I have brought shame onto the family by not knowing what to do so I dont want to ask again. I look at my bride sitting there across from me heartbroken and I stand up and take two steps towards her and she is suddenly very hopeful that I still love her. Here I woke up.* I did watch memoirs of a Geisha this previous sunday with my sister when I took her home, that may be where the asian influence came from. (Comment on this)
Friday, April 21st, 2006
10:33 am	A recurring dream *I am sitting in a lounge chair talking to a girl sitting in another overstuffed chair across from me in a lounge. No one else is there. She is the most beautiful girl that I have ever seen but I can’t remember how she looks, just that she has long blond hair and I am amazed looking at her how beautiful she is. She is very sad about something. I don’t remember what it is, but I somehow think it involves a guy. She is also really tired and I realize it is late at night. She falls asleep in the chair and I am aware that we are on the ground floor of a large old plantation house sorta bed and breakfast. I lift her out of the chair and decide to carry her to her bed. As I walk past the banister to start ascending the stairs I am aware that my mother and my grandmother and my sister are there too, in the kitchen and talking about something. They see me walk past up the stairs carrying this girl and they say something amongst themselves about how cute she is. I enter her room and there is another girl asleep on the floor, wrapped up in a sleeping bag, between two empty beds. Even though it was late at night downstairs the shades are drawn because it is bright outside. The inconsistency doesn’t occur to me. The one sleeping on the floor wakes up as we come in, but sees who it is and falls back asleep. I begin to lay the girl I am carrying down on the nearest bed but she wakes up and tells me that is someone elses bed and so I lay her on the second one.* I have had this dream before many times, always the same, for a few years now. The girl I am dreaming about truly is the most beautiful I have ever seen but she isn’t a real person from real life. She exists only in my dreams. At this point the dream always ends, with me putting her to bed and exiting. But last night I had the dream and it continued. *Cont’d So I lay her to bed and she asks me to stay with her. I decide to and get into bed with her. Suddenly we are now both only in our under things. She leans over and kisses me and the kiss feels better than any kiss I can ever remember. She looks at me in the eyes and I start to pull her underwear down because we are going to have sex. Suddenly and very clearly, the thought enters my mind, “I am not going to do anything to make her feel bad about herself in the morning.”, and I stop. I look into her eyes and she understands entirely and says, ”Good Job.” We decide to cuddle and wait to have sex and arbitrarily pick a date for the future to come back to the issue, which I think now I remember as being May 16th. We lay next to each other and fall asleep* And then I woke up. The dream was unusually vivid (for me) and I am pretty sure I am going to be thinking about it all day. (Comment on this)